I have decided just now that Mondays will be devoted to petty nonsensical irritants, since we’ll all be cranky anyway. This week:
Breakfast Is Actually An Elaborate Practical Joke
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I say fuuuuuuuuuck you. And I say it really long like that every time. I have been awake approximately half an hour. But you, well-meaning people of the world, are already all like, “Here, eat this. You’ll find its density is comparable to that of the worst fruitcakes money can buy. And it’s Blatantly Fake Banana Flavor. Your favorite!” Failing that, it’s, “Have a plateful of the most unappetizingly-named foodstuff on the goddamned planet, that you never consider eating at any other time of day because frankly, it tastes like a fart. You have to eat it, because it’s seven in the morning.” Why? Because it’s important! Oh, did you read that somewhere.? No? Your mother always said so? But there have been studies! Uh-huh. A) Show me an actual one. B) Convince me it isn’t all a giant conspiracy, just like the alleged iron content of spinach.